helenavampire

My experience with affection has been a scale from zero to ten, You start with nothing, Then there's something and finally everything all at once until you feel nothing once again. But what I didn't expect to experience were the values in between, The even and odd numbers that ebb and flow like the tides, The motivation to get to ten when you're barely pushing a five, Or the desire to get back to zero when you feel like you're pushing the limits of your own counting. I've hovered somewhere between seven and eight, Not that far from safety, Not that close to danger, A perfect place. A safe place. But now standing on the edge of a nine, I ca

I know exactly what I did to deserve this. I let myself think I didn't care, and at one point I didn't. I was carefree, a great lover of all things...and in fact there was a time I felt absolutely nothing. I did this to myself. Thinking that I could love someone without being in love with them. Thinking that I could be with someone without being the only one. In retrospect, I broke my own heart. I did this. I let it creep into the depths of my soul, this growing desire that took root somewhere between common sense and good nature. I saw this coming, I told him I would help him, I would be the facilitator of his dreams, I convinced him I w

On a Sunday, I get everyone into the kitchen to prepare dinner and I volunteer to dice the onions. This is my task. I get to wield a sharp weapon and sob uncontrollably onto a cutting board and blame it all on the natural effect of this vegetable. It's easy to cry under the pretense of onions. It makes it so much more acceptable for everyone else in the room. Imagine if I stood there sobbing over carrots...it would be most uncomfortable for everyone. I enjoy the tears, in fact I embrace them knowing that without them as my catalyst I might have bottled everything up inside of me and simply exploded at a most inopportune moment. I imagine

I gave my heart to a fisherman, Not a smart thing to do when you're afraid of the sea. Not a smart thing to do when you're someone like me. The fisherman was everything a fisherman could be, And he took my heart, And he took me. Fishing is a strategy, fishing is a game, With eyes on the horizon and legs for the sea, There's no time for anyone, there's no time for me. He was out fishing in the moon's pale light, He slipped and fell into the sea's dark might, He swam and he swam to get back to his boat, but not a soul could help him stay afloat. I gave my heart to a fisherman, Not a smart thing to do when you're afraid of the sea. Not a sma

I would like to go on one last adventure with you. If it is to be the last thing we ever do together I want it to be this. Just me and you, in a strange place where neither of us have the upper hand. Spare me an hour or two. Sometime away from the time we usually spend together. I can fill the awkward pauses with all the mismatched comments that are often left for drunken conversations between strangers. There's a place I would like to show you. If you have the time, we can go there and stare at our phones. That would be enough for me. I would like to go on an adventure with you. I don't count on it being our last. But if it should be, wou

Let me tell you about my tennis partner…I don't have one. My search for a tennis partner has been like a series of bad relationships. I've reached the point where I'll be happy with whatever tennis partner I get, they can be unskilled, unfit, talentless racket swingers but if they have time to spare, a good racket and some balls we can play for an hour or two. You see; I've always liked the sport. When I was younger I had the time to play and then life happens as it does and school and job and now I'm back where I started, a little out of shape and just looking for some recreation. My first tennis partner was great, she really knew

I see her picking up his bad habits, His addictions, His nice things, I see her learning new things and making it her own. I hear her talking like them, walking like them, making noise like them. I see her falling in love with an idea. I see her falling. This is probably going to hurt.

Ok so this is going to be one of those cathartic open letters to myself…rant begins in 3..2….1 So, lets start with the fact that I can't decide over financial success or educational success and why I can't have both. Why is it I feel like I have to be over qualified before I can be truly successful, perhaps I feel lil everyone has a degree so you need the big golden balls knocking about between your legs to tell the world you have a PhD or a Masters or two of each….i dunno…. but i get the feeling like all this needs to be accomplished now ! right now ! but then there's part of me that wants to wait, to see if th

I've seen them sitting in the corner of the room talking, just talking about "nine to five" things, sometimes with the casual straying of conversation to their personal lives and hobbies. He is sweet and gentle. So easy to love. And she is fiery and passionate and loud. Not less loveable, just more aggressive as though every day is a battle to be won and every victory requires celebration. I have watched them from a distance I don't think there's anything there between them at all. They seem too involved with their own success and their everyday challenges to muster up the energy to wonder if they could even like each other past their usu